When I was fifteen, I got pregnant.  It doesn't really matter how.

I tried to hide it, at first, but I assume I was too jumpy, too nervous.  My parents found out.  My parents freaked out.  They told me I had to do something about it.  Hills Like White Elephants and all that.

Mary went with me, she called in sick to school just to come with me.  She held my hand when I went in.  She hugged me when I came out crying.

I know it was the right thing to do.  I know that, objectively.  I couldn't have taken care of the baby.  I was probably still too small to give birth to it.  But....at the time, I was so convinced that I was failing her.  So utterly sure that I was just giving up on her before she even had a chance.  I wanted to at least give her up for adoption, but my parents....they wouldn't hear any of it.  I had to do something about it, they told me.

And now Tam is missing, and I'm pregnant again.

If he were here, we could have figured something out.  Maybe I could have stayed at home after graduating--it's not as though I was not thinking of taking time off from school anyway.

But now he's gone.  He's still gone.  There's still no sign of him.  The police are looking, but I don't believe they actually think they will find him.

...tomorrow, I think I will check his apartment.  I am a bit hesitant though.

Just after he went missing, when I called his roommate, he said something that made me think he was cheating on me.  He said, "He's not here, but he did get all those flowers you sent him."

I have never sent Tam any flowers.  I never would, except perhaps ironically.

At first, I thought they were from another woman (or possibly a man).  However, now I am wondering if they did not have something to do with his disappearance.  They make me...nervous, somehow.  Afraid, if you can believe that.  Me, afraid of some flowers.  Terrifying posies and horrible forget-me-nots.  If my fiance was not missing it would almost be hilarious.

Regardless, I will see what I can find tomorrow.  I hope...I hope I can find something.  I need to find something.

fuck not again.  not again.  not now.

if this was any other time this would't be so bad but not now, i can't handle this now.

fuck fuck fuck fuck

useless fucking university issued condoms

fuck

not while tam's missing

i would be fine with this if tam were here we would've figured something out

fuck fuck fuck

i don't know what to do now.

i'm not sure if i could stand getting another abortion.  i think it might kill me inside.

where are you tam?

tam please come back.

tam i need you right now.

please.  please, i can't do this alone.

Still no word

He's not here.

No one has  seen him.  He hasn't called or sent an email or anything.

I'm really worried.  It's been three days now.

An ugly part of me keeps telling me he's run away.  That he's eloped with someone new.  That he doesn't need poor, broken Ashleigh anymore.

I remember meeting him, in Anthro.  I was taking notes on my laptop, and he was sitting next to me, and glanced at my background and wrote me a note, "Rose is my favorite, too."  At first I just quietly nodded and blushed, but we talked after class, and he was so charming and funny and we went for coffee, and then I started opening up to him and he put up with all my bullshit, like ordering him to be my cherry plate.  I remember letting him fall asleep with his head in my lap, after he came home from his Grandma's funeral.  I remember going out to that big forest preserve and just running through the trees with him, and then we'd fall over, get up, and run and laugh some more.  I've never been happier than I have been with him.  Sometimes I wonder if I was even ever happy before I met him.

And now...now I can't sleep.  I can barely eat.  Even breathing seems difficult at times.

I'm going to try calling the police again tomorrow.

Tam....if you can read this.  Please, come home.  I love you.  If you've...done something, something that makes you have to leave, I forgive you.  I just want to know you're safe.

...and if someone's taken him, and they read this...

..bring him home.  Please.  I'd do anything to have him home.  I'd give anything for him to be safe.

Skipped classes again

The Ren Faire was fun, despite my best efforts to not enjoy myself.

When I cam home from it, though, I tried to call my fiance.  He didn't respond.  I waited a day and didn't get a call back.  He never so much as checked his email.

I know this because I am pathetic and stayed on Google all day. I know, it sounds clingy...but I was worried  something had happened to him.

I tried calling his housemate.  He said that my fiance had been out.  And then he said something...it's not important.  The point is, it made me think he'd been cheating on me, so that's when I posted that emo post.

But...he's still not home yet.

He hasn't been home.  He didn't pack anything.  All of his things are still at his house.  His professors haven't seen him--not any of the ones he talks to regularly.  His parents don't know.

I'm starting to get worried.

I know, it hasn't been that long.  I know I must sound needy and clingy and like some fragile little housewife, unable to live without her man.

But I love him.

And it's not like him to just vanish like this.

It was all going so well

Don't you hate it when a single sentence ruins your entire week?

Chicago is boring

So Erika, Mary, Justine (one of the few vaguely tolerable work friends Mary has), and I all went up to Taste of Chicago today. I decided to skip classes, though it turns out I just exchanged them for something about as extraordinarily dull. Just a bunch of food stands and some shitty bands playing occasionally. Apparently they cut funding for it or something and it was only half the size it has been. Oh well. At least I got an ice cream cone the size of my forearm out of the trip.

There was a bookstore nearby, so the day wasn't a complete waste of time and money. Erika and Mary are trying to drag me out to the ren faire up in Bristol this weekend. It's really not my thing. I tried to say I didn't have any garb, but Erika insists she can get something my size. So I may be going despite my protests.

It might be good to get out, though. I could use the sun, and the distraction. I haven't made up my mind yet. It's not like I'll have anything else to do this weekend, apparently.

I cannot fathom sleep

And so, I am here.  I have good news and bad news.

It's been half a week and my stalker in white is nowhere to be seen.  I'm assuming that my little wave scared him off.  I'm glad I didn't really have anything to worry about.  I hope I don't, at any rate.  Mary's told me that he could just be hiding better, or waiting for me to let my guard down again.  It's not the most pleasant thing to assume, but I don't think she's without merit in thinking it.  As much as I complain about her, she does have my best interests in mind.

The bad news is, I've still not seen much of my fiance this past week.  I want to strangle his professors.  Why does he have to do so much work over the summer?  It's summer!  This is one of the few remaining summers he has, but no, his professors insist that he must must must keep working on that damn thesis.  I know that he needs to do this to get his degree...but I miss him.

I must sound so pathetic.  I can hear my old gender studies professor using me as an example to the class as a poster child for antiquated views on gender roles in a relationship.  Look here at Ashleigh, she needs a man to feel content!  Her man leaves and she just wastes away in her apartment!

Well fuck that.  Tomorrow, after class, I am going to do something fun with Mary and possibly Erika as well.  I'll show that person who I haven't spoken to in two years what's what.

For now, however, sleep.