When I was fifteen, I got pregnant.  It doesn't really matter how.

I tried to hide it, at first, but I assume I was too jumpy, too nervous.  My parents found out.  My parents freaked out.  They told me I had to do something about it.  Hills Like White Elephants and all that.

Mary went with me, she called in sick to school just to come with me.  She held my hand when I went in.  She hugged me when I came out crying.

I know it was the right thing to do.  I know that, objectively.  I couldn't have taken care of the baby.  I was probably still too small to give birth to it.  But....at the time, I was so convinced that I was failing her.  So utterly sure that I was just giving up on her before she even had a chance.  I wanted to at least give her up for adoption, but my parents....they wouldn't hear any of it.  I had to do something about it, they told me.

And now Tam is missing, and I'm pregnant again.

If he were here, we could have figured something out.  Maybe I could have stayed at home after graduating--it's not as though I was not thinking of taking time off from school anyway.

But now he's gone.  He's still gone.  There's still no sign of him.  The police are looking, but I don't believe they actually think they will find him.

...tomorrow, I think I will check his apartment.  I am a bit hesitant though.

Just after he went missing, when I called his roommate, he said something that made me think he was cheating on me.  He said, "He's not here, but he did get all those flowers you sent him."

I have never sent Tam any flowers.  I never would, except perhaps ironically.

At first, I thought they were from another woman (or possibly a man).  However, now I am wondering if they did not have something to do with his disappearance.  They make me...nervous, somehow.  Afraid, if you can believe that.  Me, afraid of some flowers.  Terrifying posies and horrible forget-me-nots.  If my fiance was not missing it would almost be hilarious.

Regardless, I will see what I can find tomorrow.  I hope...I hope I can find something.  I need to find something.